I just kept leaving. I tried… I really do try to push myself. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to compromise for longer than absolutely necessary for survival. I feel like I use them, too. Jobs. I fool people into hiring me for jobs that I’ve already fooled myself into doing.
It’s like dating the same type of man when you know, very well, that “kind” is not for you. But, perhaps, like the man, the job pays well or offers a long-awaited warmth of financial security. Maybe, it even offers an identity. The “independent, don’t need a man” ideology that keeps us single. Careers.. jobs.. they fulfill what some men in this society, do not. This ideology tends to fulfull it’s own prophecy, doesn’t it? Anyone who doesn’t feel needed, appreciated, desired.. will eventually find that sense of desire elsewhere. I’m not sure exactly what I was filling when I left my last j.o.b., but I knew it had to be done. My household was falling apart, my four year old son was crying for attention any way he could get it, my 7 month old daughters smile would break my heart instead of light it, and my man was lonely.
During my last week at the j.o.b., I had two offers for work from existing employees going on their own. I was miserably plugging away at a bank reconciliation, when the owner’s brother came in and closed my office door behind him. “Sorry to hear you’re going, but this place isn’t going anywhere anyway. My wife and I were wondering if you wanted to help us setup our chart of accounts, implement our accounting system… we’re starting our own company”. Great! I thought, what a leap of faith answered. This would bring in a little cash flow as early as next week. Awesome! The next day, still miserably trying to reconcile the owner’s frivolous cash activities, an executive team member poked his head in my office, with the same mannerism. “It was a pleasure to work with you Cami, you’re the best accountant we’ve ever had here. Email me your contact information, I am working on some things and have you in mind”. My breath stopped. “Thank you, Gracious God, You always look out for me. While I had the silliness in fearing that this j.o.b. was the end-all, be-all”. Duh!” I said to myself. “I knew you had something up your sleeve! I’d love to work with you again,” I responded. I knew I was on the right track, a confirming spirit secured my faith and filled my short, 5 foot 3 inch body with a booming strength.
To add even more ripe cherries to the pie, the day after my last, my employee broke out of the joint, too. A mature, seasoned, professional employee…. just walked out. She was my backbone, I couldn’t have done my job without her. She called me seeking support and reassurance from the sandwich shop where she decided to keep going and not turn back. I supplied to her demand. We decided to start our own business providing virtual administrative and accounting services. We each took a few days off to enjoy our families and get drunk! We were each due for the making of good memories. I found a sitter for my two kids and headed to New York for Super Bowl weekend with my daughter’s dad and had one of the best vacations of my life. I met up with an outgoing, young spirited girlfriend and we shopped at the famous 34th street Macy’s, enjoyed a hot cocoa and a rich carrot cake in a small bakery outlined by Christmas lit trees that went on for blocks. I drank as much beer as possible and took any and all random shots offered, enjoyed live music and met new people, different people. I had forgotten what all of that felt like.
It wasn’t easy to get me to jump. In fact, it was one of the toughest boxes that my daughter’s dad had to break me out of. It really hit me when he said, “You’re addicted to work.” He showed exemplary persistence and extraordinary patience in coaching me to take the second step… and quit. “Your kids will not starve. We will be alright,” he said. Then he said the most important thing he’s ever said… “I got you. I REALLY got you.” I melted. Like a toddler with the chicken pox, I collapsed to his arms. I looked in his eyes and fought back my tears, only because I was around the corner from the office, but I let them collect in a jar of comfort deep inside my heart. I believed him. I felt safe, and filled with faith. He selflessly pled just one condition. THAT I WOULD FOCUS ON MY WRITING. Working for something I did not believe in starved me of my passion and personality and maybe, just maybe…. My family was just as hungry for me, as I was for myself.